Category: Bardic

The Investiture of Honda and Samii

“The Investiture of Honda and Samii”
Written by His Excellency Andreas Blacwode (Drew Nicholson) for Baroness Wars VI (2018)

This past weekend, Mistress Epona Brodin stepped down as Baroness of Carraign Ban, a position she has held for many years. In her place stepped up two good men: Samson Muskovich, and Honda Heihachiro.

This is the story of how that came to be.

In the days of old, the Barony of Carraig Ban was ruled by a powerful Baroness. Epona, she was called, and as Baroness she turned Carraig Ban into a White Castle on a hill, with gates open to all travellers, but also, strong walls and guards to protect the people of the Barony when enemies did come to attack them. But Epona was tired, and had ruled for a long time, and she knew that soon, another would sit on the Barony’s thrones.

One day, the Baroness saw an enormous army of Vikings marching from the North. As she turned to sound the alarm, she saw the flags of another army, Japanese, coming from the East. The two armies came close to each other where the roads joined before the moat, and halted.

“Close the gate” she called, and Carraig Ban made fast its defenses behind her as she descended, and rode out on her steed, and waited for what came next.

She spied two men standing, each before an army, arguing.

“I was here first,” the one with skin dark as ebony cried. His name was Samii.

“No, it was I,” the other in ornate samurai armor retorted. His name was Honda.

“Who are you, and what do you want!” Epona thundered. Both men turned, shocked, and took a step back from her formidable self.

“Well,” Honda said. “I have heard of the treasures of Carraig Ban, and wished to come and see them for myself. If they please me, I should like to come to an arrangement. My army of… movers… is here to assist me.”

“Never,” replied Samii. “I am here to provide rule and order to this land, and my army of… administrators… is here to assist me!”

The two men turned towards each other, hands drifting to sword hilts, but then stopped as Epona spoke.

“Gentlemen! The treasure of Carraig Ban is hospitality. The administration of Carriag Ban is handled by myself. And your armies are too equally matched to defeat each other, and even should one win, I, myself could beat what is left.”

Samii and Honda looked at each other and shrugged. She was probably right. But little did they know that Epona was weary and worn, and had long pondered the fate of her Barony once she was gone.

“But,” Epona continued, “Allow me to show you my Barony’s famed hospitality. Open the gates!” she cried, and both men followed, their armies behind them.

She took them to her Inn, called the One Paw, and sat them down. And she made them sandwiches with meat patties, and they drank of her beer, called Pabst, and ate Pabst bread, and Pabst cheese soup.

“The food here in your White Castle is delicious,” Honda exclaimed.

“And the beer is so good, I would give it a blue ribbon!” Samii replied.

“I, Honda, am in accord,” he agreed.

And to their surprise, during the meal, they had become friends, and Epona saw that she had a solution for everyone’s problems.

“Gentlemen. I have a proposal for you,” Epona said.

And thus it came to be that Epona had found two good men to take up the rule of Carraig Ban, and let her go to her rest. And they lived in friendship and magic until it became time for the next rulers of Carraig Ban to sit on the thrones. But that is a story that has not yet been written.

The Carraig Bán Fight Song

The Carraig Bán Fight Song

Lyrics by Carraig Bán Barronial Bard, Líadan Liathán

Click HERE to download the song.

In Carraig Bán we’ll wine you,
In Carraig Bán we’ll dine you,
But we will quite outshine you
If you’re not from Carraig Bán.
In Carraig Bán we’ll meet you,
In Carraig Bán we’ll greet you,
But on the field we’ll beat you
If you’re not from Carraig Bán.

Carraig Bán, tread on us, we’ll hurt you.
Carraig Bán, doubt us and feel pain.
Carraig Bán, Midrealm seat of Virtue
Where modesty and noble honor reigns.

In Carraig Bán we’ll face you,
In Carraig Bán we’ll race you,
But we will soon outpace you
If you’re not from Carraig Bán.
In Carraig Bán we’ll charm you,
In Carraig Bán disarm you,
But if we fight, we’ll harm you
If you’re not from Carraig Bán.

Carraig Bán, tread on us, we’ll hurt you.
Carraig Bán, doubt us and feel pain.
Carraig Bán, Midrealm seat of Virtue
Where modesty and noble honor reigns.

In Carraig Bán we’ll toast you,
In Carraig Bán we’ll boast you,
Become our foe, we’ll roast you
If you’re not from Carraig Bán.
In Carraig Bán we’ll fight you,
In Carraig Bán we’ll smite you,
Our mighty height will blight you
If you’re not from Carraig Bán.

Carraig Bán, tread on us, we’ll hurt you.
Carraig Bán, doubt us and feel pain.
Carraig Bán, Midrealm seat of virtue
Where modesty and noble honor reigns.
Oh, Carraig Bán, tread on us, we’ll hurt you.
Carraig Bán, doubt us and feel pain.
Carraig Bán, Midrealm seat of virtue
Where modesty and noble honor reigns.

Carraig Bán, our home, home on the plains,
Where the peer and populace gains,
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
And the Known World knows Carraig Bán’s fame.

What Do The Carraig Ban Do?

What Do the Carraig Ban Do?

(Lyrics by Carraig Bán Barronial Bard, Líadan Liathán,
TTO What Do the Simple Folk Do? by Fredrick Loewe)

[Honda]
What do the Carraig Bán do
To help them define themselves true?
The herald who is hailing, the player with her strum?
The scribe who fears of smearing the ink with his thumb?
What is the Carraig Bán creed
Of peerage noblessly obliged,
How do they whom we manage define this barony?
Oh, how do Carraig Bán be, do you see?

[Samii],
I have been informed by those who know them well
They find relief in quite a clever way
When they’re sorely pressed, they tap a keg of brew
And drinking seems to brighten up their day
And that’s what Carraig Bán do,
So they say.

[Honda]
PBR?

[Samii]
So they say.

[Honda]
What else do the Carraig Bán do
To bolden the heart and get through?
The Populace and Pointies
Who wander to and fro
Have ways known to their own folk
We throne folk don’t know.
When A&S deadlines all loom
What keeps each in their working room?
What ancient native custom provides the needed glow?
Oh, what do Carraig Bán do?
Do you know?

[Samii]
Once, quite late at night, I came upon a group
Belting out the chorus to a filk.
When I asked them why, they told me they’re a troupe
And practice is indemic to their ilk,
And that’s what Carraig Bán do
They sing filk.

[Honda]
They sing?

[Samii]
Some say sing.

[Honda/Samii]
Arise, Midrealm, arise, Midrealm
The Dragon is mounting the skies, Midrealm
The field throngs with armies strong,
And Carraig Bán joins in the fray.
Hear trumpets call to one and all,
Taste victory while you may!
The War cries sound, the drums do pound,
The battle will be won today!…

[Honda]
What else do the Carraig Bán do?
To know they are Carraig Bán, too?
What single thing defines them as Carraig Bán at heart?
What makes the Carraig Bán know their critical part?
What, then, I wonder, do they
That sets them apart in some way?
They have some strong tradition you haven’t mentioned yet.
Oh, what do Carraig Bán do that is set?

[Samii]
Often, I am told, they dance a stately dance
And whirl about with jigs and leaps controlled.
Soon the mind is fired, the dancers in a trance,
A noble trance astounding to behold.
And that’s what Carraig Bán do,
So I’m told.

[Dancing ensues.]

[Honda]
What else do the Carraig Bán do
To help them assume a true hue?

[Samii]
They always stand together. They fight and never yield.
And that’s what Carraig Bán do.

[Honda]
Oh, yes, really?

[Samii]
I have it on the best authority

[Honda/Samii]
Yes, that’s what Carraig Bán do.

Redneck Viking

Redneck Viking

written for Baroness Epona Brodin, the Redneck Baroness of Carraig Ban
by Hannah the Storyteller, Premier Bardic Champion of Carraig Ban

Well she ain’t never
Been the stuck up type
No she won’t prance around at court
She’d rather drink beer all night
In a tavern or an encampment
She wants a ceramic solo cup
She’s got a keg in her camp of Guinness Lite to serve up
Nobody looks down on her
‘Cause if they did we’d fight
We’d sail well-armored to their far-off kingdom
to help them see the light
 
She’s just a redneck viking
She ain’t no high class peer
She’s just a subject of the Midrealm
She leads her barony and drinks beer
And she goes out eventing
‘cross the knowne world all year long
Now so great is her word-fame
that her deeds must live in song
So let’s hear from all you vikings
out there keeping it country
Let me get a big “Hell Yeah” from the CBanners like me
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
 
Fine linen dresses
Well that stuff’s real nice
Oh but she can make the same damn thing
out of beer boxes half price
And still look period
Just as period
As those Laurels at front gate
No she don’t need no high price tag
to make her garb look great
You might think she’s trashy
A little too hard core
But in her neck of the woods
She’s just the Pel next door
Yeah she’s a redneck viking
She ain’t no high class peer
She’s just a subject of the Midrealm
She leads her barony and drinks beer
And she goes out eventing
‘cross the knowne world all year long
Now so great is her word-fame
that her deeds must live in song
So let’s hear from all you vikings
out there keeping it country
Let me get a big “Hell Yeah” from the CBanners like me
Hell yeah
Hell yeah[instrumental break]
 
She’s a redneck viking
She ain’t no high class peer
She’s just a subject of the Midrealm
She leads her barony and drinks beer
And she goes out eventing
‘cross the knowne world all year long
Now so great is her word-fame
that her deeds must live in song
So let’s hear from all you vikings
out there keeping it country
Let me get a big “Hell Yeah” from the CBanners like me
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
I said hell yeah